Welcome to DateGuru Archives! Best viewed at 800 x 600 pixels with MSN® Explorer.

DateGuru ™ Archives
-- Originally Posted May 15, 2001 --

   The Question From Dumped Too Darn Often.

    Dear DateGuru:  I grew up on the east coast and moved to the west coast when I finished college. I am a technical writer. I think I am good looking and pretty smart. In the last three years, I have met many nice men. (Well, I used to think they were nice!) And, I seriously dated about five of them. The problem is that after the relationship is about three months along, men are able to find some excuse to leave me. They often say things to me like "I have to start working longer hours and I don't have any time for dating any more" or something like that. A few times I have really pushed the break-up issue, but I have not gotten a good answer from any of them about what is REALLY the problem. A couple of times, I feel like I practically turned into a stalker. I wanted to find out who they were seeing, what they were doing, if they were lying to me, etc.

    I don't have any good girlfriends to discuss this with. I don't like women very much, so I tend to shy away from making girlfriends. I would rather spend my time with men. I think that might be part of my problem. Also, I think I get sexually involved too early in the relationship and then when I want more of a friendship, they take off. What do you think? Signed:  Dumped Too Darn Often

   The Answer.

    Dear Dumped Too Often:  I think you know the answer, but don't quite have the strength to live up to the truth of it. Why do I think you know the answer? Because you have an awareness of "getting sexually involved too early in the relationship." You must have some internal feedback telling you that you are uncomfortable with your behavior or you wouldn't use the words "too early."

    My best estimate is that you are too vulnerable to men and have a need to impress them, or get them attached to you as soon as you can for fear of losing them. I think you know this about yourself, but that you may be so "programmed" with a moderate level of insecurity that you can't control your behavior yet.

    You need some girlfriends. In fact, you need them worse than you need boyfriends. The fact that you have no girlfriends tells me that you have had some experiences in your life that made you very competitive and possibly resentful of women. When you put all your emotional eggs in one gender basket, you are really relying on men for way too much. That puts pressure on you to go too fast in your relationships with men, both at a sexual and at an emotional level.

    Men may be attracted to you because of your looks and smarts, but probably find you to be just too intense on down the road and they have to find a way out -- a way out that doesn't seem too personal because you scare them.

    What can you do about your vulnerability to men and your resentment of women? It is a good start that you are reaching out. However, you do sound like an independent person and likely find it difficult to "rely" on others. I think group or individual therapy could help you make the breakthrough that you need to make in your relationships. Because of your "independent streak" it may be difficult for you to accept help, but that is precisely part of the solution.

    I hope that helps. Take care, and thank you for writing!
    Posted by:  Ron Sterling, M.D.  Read our Disclaimer.

   Thank You for Stopping By!

    Thank you so much for visiting this DateGuru Web page. Best wishes, and have a great day!

   Return to DateGuru™ Main Page?

    Click Here to return to the DateGuru™ Main Page.

Seattle, Washington
Phone: 206-784-7842
Copyright 2000-2002. Ron Sterling, M.D.
All Rights Reserved.
Terms of Use
Legal Notices
You are visitor number

FastCounter by bCentral