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-- Originally Posted January 30, 2003 --

The Question From Not the Same Guy I Used to Be.

    Dear MateGuru:  Hi. When it comes to sex, my wife never makes the first move. We have been married about a year and a half. We dated for 14 months before getting married. I am 29. She is 28. It is the first marriage for both of us. It never occurred to me before about a month ago that I was missing something by always taking the lead on sex, but suddenly, I feel that I am missing something. It was all right for so long, how come it isn't anymore? What now? Signed:  Not the Same Guy I Used to Be

The Answer.

    Dear Not the Same:  It is so easy for most of us to fall into patterns in our behavior, including patterns of love making. We just take things for granted and then, one day, boom (or, bam), we feel something isn't quite right.

    It sounds like this should be a slam dunk from a communication stand point. However, if you have some belief that men should always be the "aggressors" then, it may be difficult for you to even bring up the subject of what you might like your wife to do.

    What do you want her to do? That would be the first question you need to ask yourself. Do you want her to touch you in an erotic way, initiate kissing, come up behind you and nibble on your ear or say something to you first, like "honey, could I interest you in making love tonight?" There are so many different ways she might be able to "initiate."

    She may have never thought it was necessary to initiate or never imagined you would be happy (or happier) to experience her coming on to you. In fact, because the pattern has been there for quite some time now, she might believe that it would be a bad thing for her to be aggressive in any way.

    If you are going to bring this up with your wife, I recommend a very non-threatening way like "Sweetie, I really like a lot of things about our love life and sex, but I am wondering if I have gotten us into a pattern where I am always initiating sex and maybe you think that is the way it is supposed to be, or that I might be upset if you initiated sex. Have you ever been tempted to pursue me that way? I wouldn't mind. In fact, I am thinking that it might be fun. What do you think?" Approaching the issue this way allows you to take responsibility for your part in the pattern and not just come off as if you are blaming your wife. Best wishes on your new adventure!

    I hope that helps. Take care, and thank you for writing!
    Posted by:  Ron Sterling, M.D.    Read our Disclaimer.

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