Thank you for writing! I can sympathize with your situation. Dealing with or changing feelings about a lifetime of unpredictable and rude behavior from a parent can be a very big challenge. However, if your mother's adult attention deficit disorder (ADD) diagnosis is correct, most likely, many of the hurtful behaviors that you have experienced over the years could be attributed to your mother's ADD.
You did not mention whether your mother has been started on a medication for her ADD. Typically, medications for ADD, such as methylphenidate (Ritalin®), will make noticeable differences in thinking and behavior. However, four months may not be long enough for your mother and her physician to have found the correct medication and dosage. If, after a proper trial of at least three of the well-known medications for ADD, there is no improvement, it could be concluded that her behaviors are not likely due to ADD.
Medications that are known to assist with ADD symptoms are methylphenidate (Ritalin ®), atomoxetine (Strattera®), bupropion (Wellbutrin®) and a mixture of amphetamines called Adderall®. They all have very similar effects -- they increase the levels of norepinephrine and dopamine in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. Evidence from several types of research indicate that people with ADD have lower than normal levels of such neurotransmitters.
Once proper medication has been found, follow-up psychotherapy or counseling is very important for people experiencing the symptoms of ADD so that old habits can be examined. Looking at old behavior patterns and discovering that changes are possible is a new experience for people with ADD -- many gave up on themselves long ago. With proper follow-up and medication, dramatic changes in the so-called "self-centered style" attributed to people with ADD can take place in less than a year. I prefer to use the term Adult Attention Deficit Disorder rather than Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder because there is a misperception that hyperactivity is required to make the diagnosis. It is not.
Because it used to be thought that ADD was an illness that children grew out of, many children with ADD became adults with untreated ADD. Many adults over the age of 50 were never educated about ADD because the disorder did not even have its name until 1980. Common signs of ADD in adults include: (1) Inattention and memory problems -- losing or forgetting things, being absent-minded, not finishing things, misjudging time, trouble getting started (procrastination); (2) Hyperactivity and restlessness; and, (3) Impulsivity and emotional instability -- saying things without thinking first, interrupting others, easily frustrated and angered, unpredictable moods, driving recklessly. ADD seems to be distributed equally between women and men.
Without a diagnosis of ADD, adults with ADD characteristics are often thought of as self-centered, erratic, rude, deceitful, manipulative, and undisciplined, among other things. Many of the characteristics of adult ADD also significantly overlap with the signs of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders.
We might be able to accept or be sympathetic towards a child who displays many difficult ADD symptoms thinking "kids will be kids." However, the same behavior in an adult will not generally be accorded a similar sympathetic reaction. The adult who talks before thinking, acts before pondering, is easily upset and seems to be always angry about something will hurt many people's feelings.
I hope this is helpful. For more information about adult attention deficit disorder, please visit www.AllAboutAdultADD.org. -- Best wishes, Dr. Debug.